Saturday, April 2nd

April 2nd.

I woke up late today. It's a Saturday, and my last day of training was yesterday. This will be my last free weekend before my new schedule on Monday. My days off will now be Thursdays and Sundays, which means I'll be working Saturdays from now on. Because I had such a terrible day yesterday full of anxiety, sadness, exhaustion and loneliness, I felt it might be a good idea to take a stronger dose of my xanax. I take xanax to sleep because I have insomnia, and it seems to be the only thing that works to get me to actually fall asleep. I typically do half a bar as the quarter bar I was doing for so long didn't seem to work any longer. Last night I thought taking three quarters of a bar would knock me out quicker, but it didn't. It made me feel so weird, like I was on something. I didn't like it, and it took me a while to fall asleep. I won't be taking that strong of a dose ever again. 

I do feel better emotionally today though. I don't feel drained like I did yesterday. Woke up around 11 AM, ordered a big breakfast from Ihop and had it delivered. Had 2 strong cups of coffee and finished The Andy Warhol Diaries docu-series on Netflix. Gawd I loved it so much. It's such a good series and I personally connected with it and Andy on so many levels. I never knew much about him until this doc, but it feels like we had a lot in common; we both suffer from insecurities, self-doubt, wanting to be loved and accepted in both the art community and by people, loneliness, uncertainty, the neediness to feel important to people, struggling with the creative process and how easily you can feel unvalued both as a person and artist. It really hit me hard. 

Yesterday I finally heard from my darling friend A, who I hadn't heard from all week. Though I was feeling shitty yesterday, it was definitely a highlight to hear from her. She lives in NJ and we had gotten quite close these past couple of weeks through text. I hadn't heard from her in 5 days, which was really odd since we'd been texting almost daily, even after repeated attempts to contact her, so I was obviously concerned. I know she's been dealing with a lot of stuff in her life, but I just wanted to know she was okay. When I didn't get a response for so many days, my brain thought of so many different reasons why. None of them good. But I was relieved to hear from her finally. Even though we've been Instagram friends for years, we only now started connecting on a deeper level, and it's been so amazing. Her friendship has helped me through all this shit in ways she'll never know. I am so grateful to her and I don't think I could ever really help her understand just how much she means to me. It's hard not to fall in love with her though, because she's absolutely incredible. Literally the girl of my dreams and everything I want in a partner, but she's halfway across the U.S. from me and engaged. Such is life. If the universe ever allowed it, I would do everything in my power to make her happy. Everything and anything. 

My soon-to-be-ex wife texted me about 6 and asked what I was doing tonight. I said nothing as per usual, and she said "wanna do pasta and thrones (Game of Thrones)?". That sounded quite lovely. I had no plans anyway and I hadn't done anything all day. She came over about 7:30 with groceries and wine. I cooked the pesto pasta, we got full, drunk on wine and enjoyed some vegan cupcakes she had bought from a friend. We watched 2 episodes, talked deeply about what we just saw, and she left. I'm so happy we still have this ritual that we both enjoy so much, but it makes me sad to think what will happen once we are done with the show. What excuse will we have to get together regularly again? It makes me sad. 

I was quite drunk when she left about 10:30, and I was feeling brave. I sent a long text of encouragement to my friend A because I was still so happy to have heard back from her the previous day, but mostly it was an ill-fated and lame attempt at flirting. I just want her to know how I feel about her, even though I know nothing can ever come of it. I got a response from her the following day, but it wasn't quite as great as I was hoping for. I'm happy she acknowledged it at least. She's a tough cookie to crack. She seems to be very guarded in a lot of ways and I'm not sure why yet. I hope in time she'll share more of herself with me. I'd like to know just what exactly is going on in that pretty head of hers. 

As I was getting ready for bed, I got a text back from my friend L, who I had texted earlier in the day asking if she did some sort of daily diary. She seems like someone who would and thought she could offer suggestions on what type of platform to use. Ultimately we ended up catching up a bit because we hadn't spoken in a while. I was still tipsy, and had already taken my xanax for the night, but I warned her ahead of time I might begin to pass out. Luckily I didn't and we were able to have a nice talk for what felt like almost an hour. It was about 1 AM when I finally went to bed. I'm glad I got to talk to Lisa. She's such a great person. Fiercely private and independent, I know so little about her or what she's thinking. If she wasn't already in a relationship, and if I felt she had any sort of attraction to me at all, she'd be someone I'd love to date here locally. I think we have enough in common that it could work, but I just don't ever get those feelings from her. But I would be incredibly honored if she ever gave me the chance. I feel like one day I'm just going to be brave and say fuck it, and tell her that if she ever becomes single again, to please consider me.

She apologized for not staying in touch, and told me that she just has a hard time handling everything sometimes with life, work, school, relationship and family and she can get overwhelmed and secludes herself into her little hole, and that's it's nothing personal. I believe her. It really meant a lot and was a nice ending to an already great night.