Yesterday was as very strange, surreal day for me. I woke up feeling completely drained and exhausted, and I have no idea why. I went to bed early the previous night, and feel like I had gotten a full nights sleep, yet it took everything in me to muster the will power to get out of bed at 6 that morning. 2 cups of coffee didn't do a damn thing, and it was my last day of official training for my new work from home job, so I was worried how feeling so exhausted was going to affect my performance. I just felt...off all day. I hated it. I made it through work fine I guess, but it was not easy. It was just a difficult day to get through. All I could think about was curling up in bed. I don't do naps (my body just does not let me), so I'm sure I would not have actually slept, but the thought of just laying in bed under the covers sounded amazing to me. Thats all I wanted to do.
April 1st was a Friday, and after work I realized I had not left my apartment all week, other than to run to grab a quick lunch. I forced myself to get dressed and to go out. I ran to Target to grab a few essentials that I needed, and ran to Old Navy to look for a new hoodie. I'm short and skinny and Target and Old Navy seem to be the only places I can find clothes that actually fit me correctly. Sadly, I couldn't find a thin one, which is really what I need since it's so goddamn hot down here in South Texas. Every hoodie Target and Old Navy had to offer were thick and fleece. Oh well.
While I was out I texted my soon to be ex wife and asked her if she wanted me to drop off a coffee for her at work since I was in the area. Even after everything she's put me through, and how much I hate my life and myself because of it, I still love her and think about her all the time. I can't help but want to do things for her, even though I know I shouldn't. I just can't help it. We have a complicated relationship, but I am so grateful to her for allowing me to still be in her life. That might change some day, and it scares me to think we might not be friends at some point, but I appreciate any minute she gives me of her time. I grabbed her a coffee, grabbed a bag of coffee beans for myself, and dropped off her coffee. I enjoyed seeing her smile in person, even if it was just for a quick minute. She had some killer eye makeup, which I'm sure was inspired by The Lost Empire, an amazing movie we watched together the previous night for Bad Movie Night that was released in 1984. Watching bad movies was something we connected on deeply, and it was actually the first time we'd watched one together since December of the previous year. Actually now that I think about it, the last time we watched a bad movie, that was the beginning of the end for us as a couple. It was the night the shit hit the fan and our relationship as a married couple fell apart...in one single night.
It was a Friday night, and it was because of another man, a lot of dishonesty, complete lack of communication, and a realization that she did not want to be married any longer after 7 years of marriage and almost 10 years together total. Probably one of the worst weekends of my entire life, but that will be another entry. Though things had slowly deteriorated for us throughout 2021 in a lot of different ways (I thought we could weather through it and things would turn out alright in the end), that one weekend in mid December 2021 was the beginning of the end for us. I lost the love of my life that weekend and I haven't been the same since.
Afterwards I went to a coffee shop that was closer to my apartment to sit down and edit some photos in an attempt to be social. Sadly, the place was pretty dead and quiet, but I got a really good coffee drink and it gave me the opportunity to dig through the 35mm photos I just got back from a guy here in town who develops my film for me. These were 2 rolls of film I had shot with a simple point-and-shoot Pentax camera months ago. Actually, before Christmas of last year so technically they are from the end of 2021. I was really happy with how they turned out and did some light editing to some of them.
I had plans to meet up with the boyfriend of a friend, who I can now call a personal friend, to shoot some quick photos of him in his cap and gown for graduation, later that night. In his mid to late 20's, I'm easily a good 20 years older than him and technically the same age as his father, but I just always seem to connect better with people who are younger than me rather than people my own age, who I typically find pretty dull for the most part. I actually don't like doing those types of shoots for a lot of reasons, but he assured me it would be quick, easy and painless and I would get a free dinner out of it. I had considered trying to back out of it because of how low I was feeling all day, and just didn't think I would be good company for anybody. I didn't want to leave a bad impression on him.
I did meet up with him after all about 7:30 at his apartment, which is shockingly close to mine, and he was right. It was quick, easy and painless. I need to download and send those to him today now that I think about it. After, he fulfilled his promise and took me out to dinner. We went just down the road to a local place and both enjoyed a juicy hamburger. I didn't drink though. I'm glad I went. I enjoyed his company and we were able to share a lot of personal stuff we're both dealing with, and sometimes it's just good to let that shit out and be heard. Because of his experience and history with it, he was able to confirm that I am indeed suffering from depression, which is no surprise. It is nice to have a name for something I've been experiencing so intensely for the last 3 months. Feeling overly depressed might explain why I felt so drained and exhausted yesterday. But I'm so glad I went through with it and hung out with him instead of just being home alone and lonely. I came home about 9:30/10, showered and finally finished Final Destination 3 in bed. I really enjoyed it. Not as much as Part 2, but it was still a lot of fun. It was streaming on Netflix, and so is the next one.
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