Saturday, April 2nd

April 2nd.

I woke up late today. It's a Saturday, and my last day of training was yesterday. This will be my last free weekend before my new schedule on Monday. My days off will now be Thursdays and Sundays, which means I'll be working Saturdays from now on. Because I had such a terrible day yesterday full of anxiety, sadness, exhaustion and loneliness, I felt it might be a good idea to take a stronger dose of my xanax. I take xanax to sleep because I have insomnia, and it seems to be the only thing that works to get me to actually fall asleep. I typically do half a bar as the quarter bar I was doing for so long didn't seem to work any longer. Last night I thought taking three quarters of a bar would knock me out quicker, but it didn't. It made me feel so weird, like I was on something. I didn't like it, and it took me a while to fall asleep. I won't be taking that strong of a dose ever again. 

I do feel better emotionally today though. I don't feel drained like I did yesterday. Woke up around 11 AM, ordered a big breakfast from Ihop and had it delivered. Had 2 strong cups of coffee and finished The Andy Warhol Diaries docu-series on Netflix. Gawd I loved it so much. It's such a good series and I personally connected with it and Andy on so many levels. I never knew much about him until this doc, but it feels like we had a lot in common; we both suffer from insecurities, self-doubt, wanting to be loved and accepted in both the art community and by people, loneliness, uncertainty, the neediness to feel important to people, struggling with the creative process and how easily you can feel unvalued both as a person and artist. It really hit me hard. 

Yesterday I finally heard from my darling friend A, who I hadn't heard from all week. Though I was feeling shitty yesterday, it was definitely a highlight to hear from her. She lives in NJ and we had gotten quite close these past couple of weeks through text. I hadn't heard from her in 5 days, which was really odd since we'd been texting almost daily, even after repeated attempts to contact her, so I was obviously concerned. I know she's been dealing with a lot of stuff in her life, but I just wanted to know she was okay. When I didn't get a response for so many days, my brain thought of so many different reasons why. None of them good. But I was relieved to hear from her finally. Even though we've been Instagram friends for years, we only now started connecting on a deeper level, and it's been so amazing. Her friendship has helped me through all this shit in ways she'll never know. I am so grateful to her and I don't think I could ever really help her understand just how much she means to me. It's hard not to fall in love with her though, because she's absolutely incredible. Literally the girl of my dreams and everything I want in a partner, but she's halfway across the U.S. from me and engaged. Such is life. If the universe ever allowed it, I would do everything in my power to make her happy. Everything and anything. 

My soon-to-be-ex wife texted me about 6 and asked what I was doing tonight. I said nothing as per usual, and she said "wanna do pasta and thrones (Game of Thrones)?". That sounded quite lovely. I had no plans anyway and I hadn't done anything all day. She came over about 7:30 with groceries and wine. I cooked the pesto pasta, we got full, drunk on wine and enjoyed some vegan cupcakes she had bought from a friend. We watched 2 episodes, talked deeply about what we just saw, and she left. I'm so happy we still have this ritual that we both enjoy so much, but it makes me sad to think what will happen once we are done with the show. What excuse will we have to get together regularly again? It makes me sad. 

I was quite drunk when she left about 10:30, and I was feeling brave. I sent a long text of encouragement to my friend A because I was still so happy to have heard back from her the previous day, but mostly it was an ill-fated and lame attempt at flirting. I just want her to know how I feel about her, even though I know nothing can ever come of it. I got a response from her the following day, but it wasn't quite as great as I was hoping for. I'm happy she acknowledged it at least. She's a tough cookie to crack. She seems to be very guarded in a lot of ways and I'm not sure why yet. I hope in time she'll share more of herself with me. I'd like to know just what exactly is going on in that pretty head of hers. 

As I was getting ready for bed, I got a text back from my friend L, who I had texted earlier in the day asking if she did some sort of daily diary. She seems like someone who would and thought she could offer suggestions on what type of platform to use. Ultimately we ended up catching up a bit because we hadn't spoken in a while. I was still tipsy, and had already taken my xanax for the night, but I warned her ahead of time I might begin to pass out. Luckily I didn't and we were able to have a nice talk for what felt like almost an hour. It was about 1 AM when I finally went to bed. I'm glad I got to talk to Lisa. She's such a great person. Fiercely private and independent, I know so little about her or what she's thinking. If she wasn't already in a relationship, and if I felt she had any sort of attraction to me at all, she'd be someone I'd love to date here locally. I think we have enough in common that it could work, but I just don't ever get those feelings from her. But I would be incredibly honored if she ever gave me the chance. I feel like one day I'm just going to be brave and say fuck it, and tell her that if she ever becomes single again, to please consider me.

She apologized for not staying in touch, and told me that she just has a hard time handling everything sometimes with life, work, school, relationship and family and she can get overwhelmed and secludes herself into her little hole, and that's it's nothing personal. I believe her. It really meant a lot and was a nice ending to an already great night. 

3 Months Into My New Life

 Yesterday was as very strange, surreal day for me. I woke up feeling completely drained and exhausted, and I have no idea why. I went to bed early the previous night, and feel like I had gotten a full nights sleep, yet it took everything in me to muster the will power to get out of bed at 6 that morning. 2 cups of coffee didn't do a damn thing, and it was my last day of official training for my new work from home job, so I was worried how feeling so exhausted was going to affect my performance. I just felt...off all day. I hated it. I made it through work fine I guess, but it was not easy. It was just a difficult day to get through. All I could think about was curling up in bed. I don't do naps (my body just does not let me), so I'm sure I would not have actually slept, but the thought of just laying in bed under the covers sounded amazing to me. Thats all I wanted to do. 

April 1st was a Friday, and after work I realized I had not left my apartment all week, other than to run to grab a quick lunch. I forced myself to get dressed and to go out. I ran to Target to grab a few essentials that I needed, and ran to Old Navy to look for a new hoodie. I'm short and skinny and Target and Old Navy seem to be the only places I can find clothes that actually fit me correctly. Sadly, I couldn't find a thin one, which is really what I need since it's so goddamn hot down here in South Texas. Every hoodie Target and Old Navy had to offer were thick and fleece. Oh well. 

While I was out I texted my soon to be ex wife and asked her if she wanted me to drop off a coffee for her at work since I was in the area. Even after everything she's put me through, and how much I hate my life and myself because of it, I still love her and think about her all the time. I can't help but want to do things for her, even though I know I shouldn't. I just can't help it. We have a complicated relationship, but I am so grateful to her for allowing me to still be in her life. That might change some day, and it scares me to think we might not be friends at some point, but I appreciate any minute she gives me of her time. I grabbed her a coffee, grabbed a bag of coffee beans for myself, and dropped off her coffee. I enjoyed seeing her smile in person, even if it was just for a quick minute. She had some killer eye makeup, which I'm sure was inspired by The Lost Empire, an amazing movie we watched together the previous night for Bad Movie Night that was released in 1984. Watching bad movies was something we connected on deeply, and it was actually the first time we'd watched one together since December of the previous year. Actually now that I think about it, the last time we watched a bad movie, that was the beginning of the end for us as a couple. It was the night the shit hit the fan and our relationship as a married couple fell apart...in one single night. 

It was a Friday night, and it was because of another man, a lot of dishonesty, complete lack of communication, and a realization that she did not want to be married any longer after 7 years of marriage and almost 10 years together total. Probably one of the worst weekends of my entire life, but that will be another entry. Though things had slowly deteriorated for us throughout 2021 in a lot of different ways (I thought we could weather through it and things would turn out alright in the end), that one weekend in mid December 2021 was the beginning of the end for us. I lost the love of my life that weekend and I haven't been the same since. 

Afterwards I went to a coffee shop that was closer to my apartment to sit down and edit some photos in an attempt to be social. Sadly, the place was pretty dead and quiet, but I got a really good coffee drink and it gave me the opportunity to dig through the 35mm photos I just got back from a guy here in town who develops my film for me. These were 2 rolls of film I had shot with a simple point-and-shoot Pentax camera months ago. Actually, before Christmas of last year so technically they are from the end of 2021. I was really happy with how they turned out and did some light editing to some of them. 

I had plans to meet up with the boyfriend of a friend, who I can now call a personal friend, to shoot some quick photos of him in his cap and gown for graduation, later that night. In his mid to late 20's, I'm easily a good 20 years older than him and technically the same age as his father, but I just always seem to connect better with people who are younger than me rather than people my own age, who I typically find pretty dull for the most part. I actually don't like doing those types of shoots for a lot of reasons, but he assured me it would be quick, easy and painless and I would get a free dinner out of it. I had considered trying to back out of it because of how low I was feeling all day, and just didn't think I would be good company for anybody. I didn't want to leave a bad impression on him. 

I did meet up with him after all about 7:30 at his apartment, which is shockingly close to mine, and he was right. It was quick, easy and painless. I need to download and send those to him today now that I think about it. After, he fulfilled his promise and took me out to dinner. We went just down the road to a local place and both enjoyed a juicy hamburger. I didn't drink though. I'm glad I went. I enjoyed his company and we were able to share a lot of personal stuff we're both dealing with, and sometimes it's just good to let that shit out and be heard. Because of his experience and history with it, he was able to confirm that I am indeed suffering from depression, which is no surprise. It is nice to have a name for something I've been experiencing so intensely for the last 3 months. Feeling overly depressed might explain why I felt so drained and exhausted yesterday. But I'm so glad I went through with it and hung out with him instead of just being home alone and lonely. I came home about 9:30/10, showered and finally finished Final Destination 3 in bed. I really enjoyed it. Not as much as Part 2, but it was still a lot of fun. It was streaming on Netflix, and so is the next one. 

My First Entry

 Today is technically April 2nd, but considering how strange yesterday was for me, I thought I would take this opportunity to start a personal diary/blog to document my life and how drastically different it is compared to this time a year ago. This is something I never would have considered doing if not for what I'm currently going through. 

While I will keep this anonymous, and will only use single letters when talking about specific people I know to keep their anonymity and protect their privacy, I will say that I am a 46 year old man who is going through my second divorce, and it has really done a number on me in so many different ways. I hope to continue this on a daily basis, but we shall see. Hell, I may even do several of these posts in a single day, you never know. My hope is that by talking about the hell I am going through emotionally and mentally, it will be therapeutic...because I am currently in a living personal hell. Yet, I am not blind to the fact that I am not alone, or that there are others dealing with far worse situations, which is what I try to always keep in the back of my mind to keep things in perspective. 

So hello to my future self (who will undoubtedly be looking back and reading this some day in the future) and to anyone who stops by to read these.